the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
