i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
