Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
