I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
