Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
