I haven't been this sober since birth.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
