If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Church boner. Awkwardddd
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
