Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
