I think im going to throw up on grandma
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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