please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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