I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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