I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
