So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
