My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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