I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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