I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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