what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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