So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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