if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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