The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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