WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
