i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
