Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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