he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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