apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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