remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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