u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
