hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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