You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
