I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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