I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
