just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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