I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
