I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
