I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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