I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
