The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
