You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
