chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
