You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
