no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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