I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
