I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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