The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
