Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
