I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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