somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My ATM looks so different sober.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
