woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize