So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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