So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize