did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
