we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
