Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
