We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
