if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize