I need to stop coming to work sober
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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